When you ask someone to define their expectations of a pastor’s wife you will most likely hear responses similar to my friend Joanna’s, “The preachers wife is expected to be everything that he is and then some.” Even more, very similar presuppositions exist in our society regarding the many roles women play each day.
I got married at 21. I entered into marriage with my eyes wide open understanding that certain things would indeed change but I was blind sighted by the magnitude of the changes that awaited me beyond the altar.
“Mrs. Haynes”
There was no end to the new rules and suggestions being offered up the moment I became Mrs. Haynes: loose the single guy friends; single girlfriends are a no-no; and have dinner ready by the time your husband gets home from his hard day at work. Not that there was anything wrong with preparing dinner, however I worked too! Besides, I never liked to cook so why should I be expected to start now simply because I was the Mrs? Even my name was fair game, I was now exclusively “Mrs. Haynes” or “Aljin’s wife.”
“The Mother”
Five years into my marriage and I still did not cook, I managed to keep a few single friends and I got used to loosing my name, it was kind of cute being called “Aljin’s wife”. Although, the expectations changed again once we had children and the bar was raised even higher. I was then expected to quit my job and stay home because that is what my mother did. I also needed to loose the baby-weight immediately and try to look fabulous everyday even if I was in fact sleep deprived and starving. Of course the cooking situation reared its ugly head again, and in addition to that, I was to ensure that my children and home remained spotless at all times. I was warned, if I wanted to be a good wife and mother I had better step it up or I would fail miserably. No pressure.
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“The Preacher’s Wife”
In the midst of working on the ever evolving role of wife and mother while simultaneously growing into my new self, my husband was doing some growing of his own and decided to answer his call to ministry. If I thought I was under a microscope and feeling pressure before, I had no concept of the scrutiny ahead the minute my husband uttered those three little words, “I’ve been called.”
This introduced a brand new set of standards that I did not think I was entirely prepared to manage. Suddenly, I was supposed to devote all of my free time to church meetings and building-fund raising, never miss a Sunday service, a Tuesday bible study or a Wednesday choir practice (even if I don’t sing). According to some, I was not good enough to be the woman behind the minister. And so, I began to receive a plethora of unsolicited advice on how I should carry myself, from my demeanor to my wardrobe.
“I’m Almost Perfect! “
I’ve been married now for 12 years and over time I learned a few things. We are so much more than the limited labels and standards that society places on us. A good woman is almost beyond definition. We are perfect and imperfect at the same time; we are awesomely complicated creatures. The standards that haunted me for so long are standards “they” set. But the reality is, I was not placed here to maintain the standards outlined by others and quite frankly in the grand scheme of things these standards are limiting.
I far exceed these guidelines, yet I fall short. I am the wife, divinely selected for my husband; not perfect but perfect for him. I am the mother, divinely selected for my children; not perfect but perfect for them. I am “Mrs. Haynes”, “Reverend Aljin’s wife”, “Jour’dan’s and Ramsey’s mommy” – I am all these people and in my essence, still Christine. I am not in competition with my husband; this Pastor’s Wife only endeavors to be everything he needs and then some!
Christine Haynes is a freelance writer and award winning jewelry designer whose work has been featured in magazines, and fashion shows. You can check out her work at www.fezelry.com.
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Joanna
February 26th, 2009
I love it……..you are PERFECT to include the perfect FRIEND FOR LIFE!!!!
Donna Patton
February 26th, 2009
Christine,
Great article. Great delivery. We are with you when you are right, girl. We are all “almost perfect” in some ways, but divinely designed and strategically poised for the assignment, which is God’s ‘perfect’ plan for our lives. Keep telling it like it is!
Donna Patton
Abrah-Cove Publishing
Website: http://www.abrah-covepublishing.com
Blog: http://www.self-publishingconcepts.blogspot.com
Radio: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/OutTheBox
Nakeva
February 26th, 2009
You said it right with this line, “I was not placed here to maintain the standards outlined by others and quite frankly in the grand scheme of things these standards are limiting.” you know as rockstars we try not to let labels get to us, yet we know we are not everyone’s perfect. The only people that matter to me on the “perfect” scale are myself, my mom and dad, and my gf
So glad you shared this
Rockstar! you motivate me and keep me excited about life and what we are both trying to do. That’s perfect, haha!
@nakeva
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March 6th, 2010
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March 22nd, 2010
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BarrettMaggie23
December 28th, 2010
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