I wrote this poem about one year ago. I laugh at myself when I read it now because it reminds me of how much I longed to express my sexuality. At the time, the pressure of my sexual desire would become so intense that taking showers became challenging. Every swish of my soapy loofah across my breasts and hips made me wish that the loofah were hands! In order to release tension, I continually indulged my five senses as often as possible.

 

I would drink in sunsets awash with mauve, gold and azure. I kneaded dough endlessly, enjoying the fulfillment of squeezing it through my fingers. I would sink into a saxophone solo while rich Godiva chocolate melted on my tongue. Don’t get me wrong, I also desired a fulfilling relationship and the satisfaction of sharing life with a forever-lover. But there were those days when I just wanted sex, and lots of it. Yet, because I was committed to not experiencing sex until marriage, I did my best to set up boundaries to that end. I told myself, “When you start dating, don’t let him come up to your apartment. Stay in public as much as possible. Dress modestly…” I felt I had an iron-clad method for ensuring my ‘intact’ arrival on the shores of wedded bliss.

 

Then, I fell in love with my Nehe. It was crazy! My growing emotions and sensations practically engulfed me. Suddenly, I cared oodles for this man. My mind, my soul, my spirit, my body; my very existence loved him. I remember our first days. Whenever I knew Nehe was coming over for dinner jitters and heart thumps would shake my hands so hard I couldn’t even cook. I would rehearse how I was going to greet him at the door, and the conversation topics I would bring up during our evening. But all my planning would fly out the window once he arrived. Love had taken over completely, and she brought her own agenda.

 

My sensual boundaries also took flight; I couldn’t even remember them. I just wanted Nehe’s kiss, and deeper ones still. I craved his embrace, strong and close. With each successive visit our physical passion became an engine that drove us relentlessly. Dinners sat cold as our tongues teased and our fingers

My sensual boundaries also took flight; I couldn’t even remember them. I just wanted Nehe’s kiss, and deeper ones still.

traveled. The night that our shirts came off amidst fragrant bedroom sheets we knew we had to slow down. Nehe shared my commitment to abstinence before marriage, but we realized that our physical desires would be managed by more than just a few nice-sounding vows.

 

Putting the breaks on our physical passion was easier intended than done. Our appetites would not be denied so easily so we cut our dates short just to escape our sexual tension. I began to resent our situation because I felt we were growing further apart. We weren’t “clicking” and I didn’t feel close to him anymore. When we did get together, all I thought about was what we were not doing. But slowly, we returned to talking about anything and everything. We planned fun dates, cooked together and watched television show marathons. We didn’t realize it at the time, but we’d begun exploring other expressions of intimacy.

 

I always considered it strange that on the night we were topless together I never felt any shame. I knew that continuing down that path was not right for us, but my resolve was not driven by shame. So I concluded (rather proudly) that I had no intimacy issues with Nehe. I was so wrong! Some evenings Nehe would hold me close and gaze into my eyes. His eyes would mist over with affection, but mine would struggle to look anywhere but into his. I felt so naked, so undressed by such closeness. It bothered me to feel so vulnerable.

 

Then it dawned on me, I was never really intimate with my lover. Until that moment, I saw intimacy only as physical. To me, being intimate with my man meant kissing and caressing. I didn’t know it also meant laughing at an inside joke, sharing secrets, planning futures together, nurturing his hobbies or shopping for a new scent for him. I learned that intimacy is the natural, unforced result of two fully-transparent people choosing to love and be loved by each other.

 

Once I accepted this, my relationship with Nehe blossomed. We became best friends and discovered that we can also be brother and sister. These new dimensions of our relationship only enriched us and I became completely comfortable with him. I grew secure, content and happy. I even shed the “standards of a good relationship” that I’d accumulated from self-help books over the years. I didn’t need them anymore because Nehe and I were creating our own relationship standard.

 

Every now and again, a goodnight kiss generates a little more steam than we expect. I sense that smoldering sizzle deep in my abdomen, as his muscles tense up ever so slightly – ready for action. That’s when we disengage with a knowing look and coy smiles. Yes, I’m still longing to express my sexuality. But, I am enjoying full intimacy with Nehe everyday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Responses

1. 
   

   Nadia

   February 25th, 2009

   Wow! I’m glad for this topic. It’s not one we discuss in Xtian circles everyday, but each of us women face it at one time or another. I have a question though: how do I deal with a boyfriend who doesnt feel the same as me in not having sex till marriage? I mean, he’s a xtian too but feels that, since we are going to get married, it’s ok to have sex now. In the article, it was helpful that the boyfriend felt the same way as the woman. But what if he doesnt, like mine?

2. 
   

   Asher

   March 3rd, 2009

   Nadia, I too think this article is on point! You will need to check your boyfriend’s motives. If as a christian, he doesn’t believe he has to actually wait till you are both married then I think he lacks general conviction in that area and will most likely pressure you to see things his way. The answer to your question really is another question: “How can two walk together unless they agree?”

3. 
   

   katherine

   March 4th, 2009

   Nadia, this was the issue with my boyfriend/husband. He felt that was could experiment, to practice for marriage. He didn’t want to have sex, but thought copping a feel would be okay. I simply told them that, yes, we were engaged and had even set a wedding date but that until the preacher pronounced us man and wife, anything could happen. Our marriage could be called off and all I knew I’d feel cheapened by it. So I held my ground and he respected that. Now we’re celebrating three years of marriage, today.

   Hang in there and hold to your morals. Otherwise, it could change the sex in your marriage, when it comes (in that you may constantly think back to giving in beforehand).

4. 
   

   EYRAM

   March 11th, 2009

   My oh my! This is a great article! We do not hear enough about this topic for Christian sisters to actually believe sometimes that the standards of the Bible is not just an unattainable ideal but that it can actually be lived out! With all the romance films out there today where couples barely wait until after the third date to get in between the sheets, one can actually start to believe that it’s a law of nature. I am so glad that I can continue to hold on to this truth and value my purity, knowing too that intimacy in the dating/courting context can be achieved and enjoyed in a God-honoring way! I am glad to pass this truth on to the many sisters I know! Thank you!

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