I must admit, there are moments when I feel like a loser being a stay at home mother. I’ve always considered myself a career woman, however wiping baby booty all day is not necessarily the career I envisioned after graduating from college.
There is such a stigma in our community where women who decide to stay at home are berated and judged rather than applauded for being selfless and courageous. But, when it comes down to it, I feel like this is what makes me whole. Staying home with my baby boy Aiden has allowed me to function like a normal person again and helps me better define and perform one of the most important roles of my life– motherhood. Even more, it’s opened the doors for me to start my own daycare business.
To my surprise, I was a mess! The worst part about it was, even after much research to find a decent caregiver, Aiden ended up in the hands of someone who did not take proper care of him.
Prior to Aiden I taught children with special needs. It was both rewarding and fulfilling and unlike most people I looked forward to going to work everyday. I had no intentions of staying at home after having the baby, so I decided to go back to work when he was ten weeks old. To my surprise, I was a mess! The worst part about it was, even after much research to find a decent caregiver, Aiden ended up in the hands of someone who did not take proper care of him. There was no way that I could settle in at work and be productive, I was a train-wreck of thoughts and feelings and could barely focus on my responsibilities. I knew that I had to do something about it but I wasn’t sure what.
Initially, my husband and I decided that we were going to change some things to ensure that Aiden could be at home and cared for by one of us at all times. I started working only part-time during the day and my husband switched to the night shift. It was a quick fix but became too draining for my husband. After working all night, he would come home in the morning and stay up with the baby until I got home at two-thirty in the afternoon. He would rest for a few hours before returning to work at six in the evening. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we could not go on like this much longer. Eventually, after much prayer and contemplation I decided on the one thing that would allow me to take care of my own baby (and a few others) – I started my own home day care.
Unfortunately, most of my friends were not very supportive and the irony of that blows my mind. It was comments like “Lord bless you, cause that couldn’t be me”; “you’re crazy, what are you going to do at home” and “you… no way!”, that made me feel as though some people had no appreciation for what I was doing and why. Did they not realize that it took a lot of courage for me to leave my “career”, better pay and that sense of being a successful “career woman” to stay home and care for my baby during his most critical stages of development? I did not want to hear someone else tell me all about the new things he is accomplishing when I am away at work all day; I wanted to be there every step of the way… literally.
As if the lack of support was not bad enough, many people began to suggest that my new endeavor would be easy. How could they not acknowledge that outside of caring for my son daily starting a business of any kind is very demanding? For me, there was multiple certification classes, administrative and facility planning, creating policies and handbooks, and of course, legal aspects. Not to mention the tremendous responsibility of having the well-being of someone else’s little one in your hands. Nonetheless, despite all the hard work and misconceptions, I continue to do it with a smile and the utmost integrity.
To those women who decide to manage a career and motherhood and who do it successfully, I commend you. However, staying at home has become my new personal standard of success as I now understand that a successful career is not limited to having a nine-to-five in Corporate America. In fact, I am OK with that because I am indebted to my son, not society and its sometimes jaded expectations of women. And as I think about it more…I’ll go ahead and retract that “feeling like a loser” statement. I couldn’t be more of a winner at this point in my life! I do have a career, and it is one that I love and is proving to be the most rewarding job that I’ve had to date.
Nishaun resides in North Carolina with her son and husband. She holds a BA in Criminal Justice and has enjoyed a successful career in both the military and education.
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Sharron Williams
June 1st, 2009
Dear Nishaun,
I just wanted to say you are doing what is right for you and probably what is right for a great many families who are unwilling to grapple with the same feelings produced by loss of affirmation from relatives and friends,lack of appreciation for the sacrifice and difficultly of becoming exclusively a household manager, as my husband often referred to me.
I am a wife and mother of 4 children. i made the choice to stay home and care for my family before the birth of my first son who has just turned 18 and is going off to college.
Though I knew I was doing the right thing I felt uneasy from many of the comments, looks and vibes which came my way from relatives, church sisters and other moms i met at school.
15 years later, people ask us to what do we attribute the sucess of our children (three are still i public school). I humbly,yet unequivocally respond : The principles of God, my availability and trusting my husband’s instincts as a godly father,when his methods differed from my own.
P.S The skill sets,discipliine and integrity you used in your career outside your home will be
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July 24th, 2010
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