Hush: Unemployed And Unattractive

My husband became unemployed three months after we got married. I often wonder if I would have married him if he was unemployed when we were dating. God’s timing is perfect and I trust there are many lessons in this including being a support and encouragement to my husband during this difficult time.

But I must admit, a man without a job is like a woman without a husband. His confidence is weak, his identity is questioned, he can be complete without one, but he is more attractive with one. So, how do I make sure this doesn’t get in the way of our relationship? And how can I get past the unattractiveness of the situation and still think of him as my head?

Newlywed Cynthia

Dear Newly Married,

Three months in and there is already a bit of drama, who knew? The great news is, you are well positioned to get through this by virtue of your own self-disclosure. It is excellent that you can be so candid and honest about your feelings regarding such a delicate situation. You have a few things right already; this is an opportunity for you to learn to be a supportive wife to your husband and you should be concerned about how your perceptions of him might impact your relationship.

Your beliefs regarding the role of your husband are not yours alone, it is a perpetual world-view – your man must have a job! And, no matter how strong and independent the modern woman would like to think she is, there are still certain traditional and rather un-compromise-able standards that we hold our men to. Having a job is one. Even the bible purports this expectation, right? We were conditioned to believe that a man’s occupation and his worth are virtually synonymous. So how can you respect him as the head when his worth has been compromised?

While your concerns are grounded, if not rational, you are in a situation where the options are few: misery and desolation, or slightly adjusting your existing belief structure. I am rooting for the latter. While no woman really wants to work harder than her man, over a lifetime of marriage that possibility is highly probable. So during your season of what to you might feel like imbalance, try this:

And, no matter how strong and independent the modern woman would like to think she is, there are still certain traditional and rather un-compromise-able standards that we hold our men to. Having a job is one.

• Find ways to distinguish his worth and masculinity from his career. This is an opportune time to hone in on all of the other things that you found alluring and respectable about him prior to him losing his job. Is he smart, a gentleman, responsible, God-fearing? Concentrate on and find value in those traits.

 

• Encourage your husband to treat his job search like a full time job. Most career counselors advise job hunters to remain aggressive and proactive when trying to find a new gig. Surely you will be attracted to his drive. Not to mention that he won’t be snuggled up in the covers while you are limping across the bedroom with one heel on and a trouser sock trying to get to work on time because that is clearly not an attractive look for him!

 

• Ask him to hold down the paperwork. While you are temporarily bringing in all or most of the dough, it would be a good idea to let him manage the bills. Scheduling electronic payments, writing checks, in-person payments…let him own that. It will free up more of your time and allow for him to have ownership of the finances even while he is not contributing.

 

• Communication is absolutely essential but don’t over do it. You don’t have to let him know every day that you’re not loving his job situation. He already knows. Treat him as the attractive and confident man that you fell in love with and he will probably act the part even if he is struggling to feel that way. If you love and respect him through this your relationship will come out stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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