Simone’s Story
At the age of seven, my family joined a non-denominational church. Growing up, I was not allowed to wear pants, go to the movies, hang out with my friends (at least the ones they allowed me to have), or wear makeup or earrings. The church completely dominated our lives by telling us how to dress, live, and even who to marry. If things were not done their way, we were doomed to hell. This is what I call, “Scaring us to heaven!” Many things were considered an easy target for the devil. Therefore, my life consisted of church, school and home.
In my late teens and nearing my high school graduation, I was told by the church to marry a young man who was a member there. We grew up together and our friendship was never at its best. As a matter of fact, I hated him, but now I was told I had to marry him or else I would become a “slut”. So out of fear, I married him one month after I graduated. Sad to say, he became (or maybe he already was) very verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. Church members told me that if I called the police “God would chastise me.” So for years I endured the abuse and I forgave him.
After over ten years in this abusive marriage, I eventually grew very tired. Enough was enough! I became numb to what anyone had to say. Saving myself would require leaving my husband and the church. I will admit - I was afraid and a bit hesitant at times. Through the prayers of friends and my new church members, I was able to go through with the divorce. My happiness and confidence has grown stronger and I am able to live my life without being depressed.
What is Spiritual Abuse?
The church is a place where we receive spiritual renewal and fellowship with God’s people. But what happens when church becomes more like an obligation and inconsistent participation is deemed a punishable offense? Or, when you are present, there is an overwhelming pressure to perform more, do more, or give more.
This performance-based method to Christianity has spawned individuals who are burned out and tired of attending church. In fact, Christian therapists have coined the term Spiritual Abuse to describe such exploitation inflicted by spiritual leaders. Although the general belief is that this kind of abuse is only experienced by individuals who are members of a cult or extremist group, spiritual abuse is rampant in many of our Christian communities.
Loading …In their book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen define spiritual abuse as “the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.”
Ultimately, spiritually abusive leaders abuse the trust of emotionally committed people by using their position as pastors and ministers to get their congregations to perform according to their plan.
How Will I Know If I Am A Victim?
Victims of spiritual abuse develop a variety of issues as a consequence of being subjected to this type of leadership. They develop a distorted image of God; He becomes someone who derives pleasure solely from how much one can do for Him. Victims then become preoccupied with performing their best towards God or the spiritual leader in the form of various activities and obligations. Individuals also feel pressured to be perfect and loose sight of balance in everyday life which includes family, work and enjoyment. They feel as if they cannot talk to their leaders, and especially feel that they cannot disagree with their decisions. They essentially put their leaders in the place of God. Such abusive leaders tend to manipulate their victims, focusing on driving individuals to perform, feel shame, fault and blame.
Ultimately, spiritually abusive leaders abuse the trust of emotionally committed people by using their position as pastors and ministers to get their congregations to perform according to their plan. We should respect the position of spiritual leaders and understand that they are serving a high calling in God’s kingdom. However, the scripture says it best (Matthew 23:8 – 10 MSG), You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don’t set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of ‘Father’; you have only one Father, and he’s in heaven. And don’t let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them—Christ.
A Return to Wholeness
Acceptance of grace and mercy is the core of Christian faith. It is important that all Christians understand that performance, unspoken rules, lack of balance, paranoia and codes of silence are not the premises in which we should live as Christians.
There is hope for victims of spiritual abuse as it is with victims of other types of abuse. First, Christians who find themselves in spiritually abusive situations have to make a decision to either stay and infect change in the church or leave the abusive leader. For some, leaving is an easy option and for others this can be the most difficult decision of a lifetime as it was with Simone. It is a good idea to seek the assistance of Christian counselors in processing through the situation. Whatever the decision may be, a return to wholeness should be of utmost priority.
Louise Bright Suggs obtained her Master of Arts degree in Christian Counseling from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. She is a master’s level counselor at Agape Christian Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina.
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Margaret W Jones
March 12th, 2009
There are varying degrees of spiritual abuse. It occurs in mainline churches as well as evangelical churches. The effects can be devastating. Victims often have a history of being abused as children and their vulnerability is used to exploit them. I have survived from this type of abuse and am now in a church where the pastor has a better understanding and conviction to Christian theology. I encourage those who have been abused in churches to return and insist leadership and laity take steps to make their congregations safe places.
Toxic Sheep No More
March 13th, 2009
Thank you for spreading awareness on this topic.
I understand Simone story- a lot of common threads in spiritual abuse accounts.
Please keep up the good work!
Annissa Johnson-Anthony
March 21st, 2009
Great Article!!! You continue to amaze me. You are always so giving and caring. Thanks for sharing your insight and knowledge. God has great things in store for you.
Reginald Blackmon
March 22nd, 2009
Louise,
As always, you are doing what you do best,”Making a Difference” in the lives of those around you! Thanks for sharing this story and the insight that it has provided. Just this past week, Dr. Bradley told me you were one of Gordon Conwell’s best counseling students. Keep on representing!
Many blessings,
Reginald Blackmon
Jerome Stanton
March 23rd, 2009
Wonderful artitle. It is my prayer that God will continue to give you wisdom and strength. May the Light within you continue to shine on dark places.
God Bless!
Jerome Stanton
Rosa Bright
March 29th, 2009
Great article! I wish more people could read and learn from Simone’s story. Thank you for sharing. Please continue to share and wishing you God’s blessings.
Rosa
Lela Leggett
June 30th, 2009
Thanks for exposing this. I grew up in a ministry very much like Simone. I made up my mind in my early 20’s to break away from it. I have seen her exact scenario plenty of times. As well as like situations. So I am glad that you, Loiuse, exposed the dangers of being in a controlling church. I am glad that Simone had the guts and grace to tell her story.
The leaders think they are doing right. Some know they are doing wrong. But whether they know it or not they operated under the power of Satan himself. And cause many people to turn away from the Lord.
Continue to allow the Lord to use you. This is more common than you know.
K. Soklow
July 27th, 2009
Louise, One of the things I have always appreciated about you is your willingness to listen and to be open minded to divergent viewpoints. You are truly someone who teaches and leads by example. Sharing a story like this is a way of opening yourself up to some who may feel alienated and letting them know there are other paths; different ways of expressing faith and love. Congratulations!